oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
