dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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