Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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