im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
