He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
