i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
