I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
