I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
why does every cop we meet know your name?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
