The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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