Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
