I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
