I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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