Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
