these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
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