Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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