Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
