life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Sober January is a disaster.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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