hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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