I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
