I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
