just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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