the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
