What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
