Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
