when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
