he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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