I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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