Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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