I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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