i will never coherently bang her
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
