my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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