So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
