We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
