At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Randomize
