Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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