The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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