I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
