dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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