Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i wish my penis had a tongue
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
