Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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