How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
why do cheetos always look like penises
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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