Do you still have your period?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
