So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
