I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Drunk is a universal language darling
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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