I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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