her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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