I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
