dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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