Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
