Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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