did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
