I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
