im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
