1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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