Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Randomize
