I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize