I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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