His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
