You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
me + whiskey = a bad person
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
