I skipped work to stalk him.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Randomize
