Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
