i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
