You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Who did Billy Mays play for?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
