Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
