ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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